How can I tell what parts of my relationship I actually control versus what I don’t?

Try the Stoic-style control check in your journal: 1) List what’s fully yours: your words, tone, effort, reliability, boundaries, how quickly you repair after conflict, how you care for yourself. 2) List what’s not yours: their feelings, choices, past, pace of change, interpretations, outcomes. 3) List what you might influence: the climate you create (listening, empathy, clarity), how you make requests, how consistently you live your values. Close with three statements: “I can…,” “I won’t try to…,” and “I’ll influence by…”. This keeps your energy on actionable, self-led steps.

I catch myself trying to ‘fix’ my partner. How do I journal to focus on influence without controlling?

Use the intention reset: 1) Name the urge: “I want them to…” 2) Translate to a value you can live: “I value…(respect, patience, honesty).” 3) Design one influence action: “When X happens, I will do Y that reflects my value” (e.g., ask one open question, reflect back what you heard, share one feeling/one need, make a clear request). 4) Release the outcome: write, “The outcome is not mine; my integrity is.” In Stoic, revisit this after interactions and note what felt aligned versus pushy.

What should I write when change needs to be mutual—like setting a boundary or asking for something different?

Draft a simple script in your journal using O-I-N-R: Observation (what you noticed), Impact (how it affects you), Need (what matters to you), Request (specific, doable ask). Example: “When we cancel plans last-minute (O), I feel disoriented and less connected (I). I need reliability to feel close (N). Would you be willing to tell me by noon if plans might shift? (R).” Add two notes: 1) Your boundary if the request isn’t met (what you will do, not what they must do). 2) Your follow-through plan (how you’ll communicate calmly and consistently). Use Stoic to rehearse wording and reflect after the conversation.

Journaling Idea - On What You Can Control.

What about your closest relationships can you control or influence?

How much of a relationship is yours to change, and how much is mutual or beyond your abilities to change?

Journal in Stoic

Written by

Zach Beauvais

Published on

Feb 17, 2022

Journal in Stoic

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Zach Beauvais

Writing & User Experience

Zach helps stoic design experiences for mental and emotional wellness, creating guided meditations, mindful walks, and journaling prompts rooted in Stoic philosophy. He also serves as Marketing Director at Cornell’s ILR School, where he helps leaders clarify their purpose and turn ideas into content that engages students, faculty, and collaborators. With over 15 years of experience in storytelling, community building, and content strategy, Zach brings both creativity and clarity to his work. Outside of writing and strategy, he enjoys photography, making coffee, and carving spoons, bowls, and cups from green wood.

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